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Smash and Bash Cupcakes (BI Bakers Dozen Round 1)

by Michelle Wilson (PA to Gary Boom)

With the Great British Bake Off back in full swing, it was not long before our screens were filled with sumptuous show-stopping cakes, delectable desserts, pristine patisserie and, of course, dreaded bread week. It was therefore not long before members of the BI team decided to revive the BI bake club: “The BI Bakers Dozen”.

Needless to say in BI fashion, the first bake was not exactly well-timed, with the very first baker, Michelle, attempting to create cupcakes after a legendary BI Smash and Bash! Error! Here’s how it went.


Trials and Tribulations

Well let me first just say this, Keith Floyd makes a very respectable living by cooking whilst drunk.  However, I bet he’s never tried making cupcakes at 11pm having returned from a Smash & Bash!  If anyone should ever find themselves in this position, I’ve heard the below steps may be of some use!

Note: With cooking, hygiene is key. So before you get started, stagger into the bathroom. Pick up a bar of soap and stare at it for about thirty seconds whilst swaying from side to side. Try to remember why you are in your bathroom holding a bar of soap. Leave bathroom.

Entering the kitchen

Now you need to find the kitchen. Stumble in its general direction, placing your hand against the wall for support – this bit is super important and if you're lucky you'll find a light switch as well. Think hard, you must have left it around here somewhere. If things are spinning, try spinning in the opposite direction to make them stay still. After entering the kitchen, turn the light on and stare blankly. After a minute or two, realise that this is not the kitchen, unless of course you recently put a bed in the middle of your kitchen. Unless you live in a mansion, in which case just give up now, keep working your way from room to room until you find the kitchen.

Care in the kitchen

You can skip this if you are single or live alone. If you are married or live with someone, you need to remember that thunderous noises in the kitchen could wake the other inhabitants, and let’s face it; you're in no condition to try to win an argument with anyone sober. So it's important to move with exaggerated caution whilst inadvertently making loud noises anyway, in order to preserve the precarious delusion that you're being considerate.

Now you're ready to begin – proceed with caution.

Smash and Bash Cupcake Recipe

Cleaning up

This is a risky one; you need to conceal the evidence whilst working on excuses for those things you broke which you can't fix or hide in your current state. The best thing is to do nothing, because anything you do at this stage will make it worse tomorrow. More importantly don't try to wash anything up; it’s guaranteed that it will get broken in the process.  A popular excuse is to blame broken things on various pets.

A final thought on this recipe……. HOLY CRAP! You're due at the office in 4 hours!


However, after bravely completing the task, our BI baker decided against sharing the finished bake with fellow BI bakers out of fear of what might have occurred in her rather inebriated state. As we did not taste this first hand, we were unable to pair a wine or spirit to this bake. Twitter @bordeauxindex with your suggestions.

BI Smash and Bash Cupcakes

What could have been!

Tune in next week for Round 2!

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